Misfit Medicine
by NebulaBelt
Summary: A short Misfitverse fic that crossesover with another insane cast I love from TV's Scrubs! Details within. More to come!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is a quick little nonsense fic I whipped up tonight after seeing a very funny musical episode of a certain medicine show I like. Somehow this just BEGGED to be brought into Misfitverse. This will only last a few chapters. It'd be a one-shot but I just want this bit up first as a stand-alone! Enjoy! **

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**MISFIT** **MEDICINE**

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"Al I don't wanna go to no hospital!" Toad whined as Althea tugged on his arm. The Misfits and their Handlers were climbing out of a couple of jeeps in a hospital parking lot.

"Too bad baby, we've got to get our physicals…all of us!"

"Don't see why we can't get Lifeline or Doc to do it." Toad grumbled.

"For the last time, we occasionally need a medical reference from someone outside of the Pit." Roadblock explained as the handlers escorted them to the front door. "And as far as hospitals who'll see us go, this is it!"

"Lifeline worked here for a while before joining GI Joe." Cover Girl explained. "Some of his old mentors are still around. He was the one able to swing us in for a check-up."

"Him and a big fat 'contribution' to the Hospital." Low Light snorted.

"Anyway, it's just as well that we're coming. They agreed to take Lina on and give her some medical training here AND we need someone to check out Lance." Blind Master said as he jerked a thumb at Lance, who was being carried by Fred. "He hit his head pretty hard. Swears he hears everyone singing."

"I blame the Coyote." Shipwreck sighed. "Remind me, how did this one happen again?"

"Well, you're half-right dad which is a half more than you usually are." Althea answered. "Lance saw the Coyote again and started chasing him through the Manor. Unfortunately, Pietro had waxed the floor outside his room for reasons best left unknown and Lance ended up falling down the stairs and onto his head. He was fine for a while…then he just fainted."

"Good thing it was only his head that he landed on." Xi said. "It's the hardest thing he has."

"I hear that." Wanda agreed. "But I must admit that hearing everyone sing is a new one."

Lance was groggy and only half awake as he was carried into the doors of the hospital. A couple of doctors and the staff who were waiting for them walked up to them. An older, fifty-something incredibly insincere-looking doctor—and hospital chief of medicine—met him first…And Lance could've **_sworn_** that they were all actually singing!

**"Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso, I'm delighted that you came **

**So the doctors say you fainted, and you don't know what's to blame **

**Well, put your mind at ease, there's no ill we can't outsmart **

**On behalf of all who work here..." **

The others all burst in **"Welcome to Saaacred Heart!"**

A fresh-faced younger doctor with ridiculously gelled hair started singing. **"Our facilities are excellent! You couldn't ask for more!"**

**"As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor!" **A man in a jumpsuit clearly the Janitor; added conspiratorily as he walked by:

Then Dr. Kelso started up again as he handed Lance off to another doctor, this one incredibly bitter looking (he looked vaguely like House) and said **"This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart!"**

**"And that's Dr. Kelso -- the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart!"** Dr. Cox sang as he shoved Kelso away.

A young black, bald surgeon walked up next and started binding one of Angelica's hands, the result of another wooing attempt by Pyro.** "You say you burned your hand real bad – we'll fix you up with gauze!"**

**"Perhaps you need your fat sucked out -- or want a smaller schnoz!" **A young, bright, incredibly blond doctor in a white coat said to Fred and Todd respectively.

"Hey!" Althea protested as Todd restrained her from leaping at the doctor.

Dr. Kelso wrapped his arm around Shipwreck and sang into his ear, **"You caught an S.T.D. from some tasty little tart?" **His voice suggested that he had had this happen to him.

Everyone sang together: **"We swear we won't judge you here at Sacred...Here at Sacred...Here at Saaaaacreed Heaaaart!" **

Lance groaned as he realized how much trouble he was in as he heard a band play out of nowhere. Then Dr. Kelso tapped him on the shoulder and sang to him. **"One more thing that I should mention, if what I've heard is true and everyone appears to be singing to you..."**

**"Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh! Ahh, Ahhh!"** Everyone harmonized.

**"Your case is very serious! And we'd better start!" **Kelso warned Lance.

Everyone finished: **"'Cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Saaaaaaaacred Heaaaaaaaa--! **

**Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys! **

**Welcome to Sacred Heaaaaaaart!" **

Lance nodded once and passed out. Really, what would **YOU** do?

**A/N: Coming up next…more Scrubs madness with the Misfits! **

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"Welcome to Sacred Heart!" song and lyrics and all Scrubs characters are © to Scrubs

All X-Men characters are © to Marvel

All GI Joe characters are © to Hasbro

Althea, Xi, Lina, Blind Master are © to Red Witch

The insanity is © to me


	2. Chapter 2

"When is the doctor gonna get here?" Lance moaned from his hospital bed. "My head feel's like Pietro's been living in it!" The rest of the Misfits were sitting or standing around his bed.

"I couldn't fit in there. The Coyote and your Kitty fantasies take up what little space there is." Pietro snickered.

"Just hold on, the doctor will be in momentarily." A very sexy looking Latina nurse, Carla, assured him.

"The doctor of love is already here." Shipwreck grinned as he tried putting his arm around Carla's shoulder. She grabbed it in midair.

"I'm married you jackass." She told him flatly. "Now I have to put up with only one sick, sexist pervert around here and buddy it aint you. So the next time you try to put any part of your slimy body on me, I will break it off and beat your empty head in with it. You got it?"

"Got it." Shipwreck blinked as he withdrew his hand.

"Good." Carla nodded sharply as a young doctor with ridiculously gelled hair and an equally ridiculous grin entered with a clipboard and chart.

"Hello, I'm Dr. John Dorian, Chief Resident. Now will you be wanting the Jello or the pudding? They're both excellent choices but I've always been a pudding man myself—"

"And you're **done**." Dr. Cox said as he strode into the room and snapped Lance's chart out of his hands. "Now Ginger while I'd be the first to admit that you are a pudding-head of **biblical** proportions I've yet to see any genuine proof that you are—in fact—a man. Let alone a doctor."

"Dr. Cox—" J.D. started.

"Newbie, shh!" Cox snapped. "Now I've also been told that one of you is going to start interning here at Sacred Heart."

"That would be me sir." Lina said as she took a step forward, holding her breath and hoped she wouldn't be tossed out because she was—rather obviously—a mutant. "I'm Angelina Chakram but I can go by Lina if it makes it easier for you—"

"Yeah, whatever. You're the intern?" Cox looked frankly at Lina. She nodded. "Good." He jerked a thumb at Lance. "You can take care of Crazy McGee's physical while I catch a nap in the lounge."

"But Dr. Cox," Lina gasped. "It's my first day and don't you think that you—"

"—Would **much** rather take fifteen minutes to take the first break I've had in over **eighteen** hours and let the new intern do the work that she **should** be capable to do if she ever wants to think that she's able to cut it as a doctor and **not** get flushed out on her first day? I think I would, yes." Cox said with an insincere grin that accented rather than hid his annoyance. "Get on it Tinkerbell."

"Yes sir." Lina gulped. "Come **on** Lance."

"But—" Lance said as Lina dragged him behind the curtain. Lance's clothes started flying over it half a second later. "Hey! Watch the hands! YIKES!"

To Lance, Lina's physical was thorough. VERY thorough. It was frighteningly reminiscent of when the X-Men used to beat **the** **crap** out of the Brotherhood.

Growing a little nervous, the other Misfits stepped outside and bumped into the bald black surgeon from earlier. "Hey, what's up? My name is Dr. Turk, I'm the surgical consult. So you're those mutant army kids…cool."

"Why aren't you guys more freaked out by us being mutants?" Angelica asked, noticing that neither Carla, J.D., Cox, or Turk seemed much put out by it.

" 'Freak out' ?" Turk asked her. "Girl, please. You haven't SEEN freaky until you've worked in a hospital for a while. Allow me to show you the Freak Show that **is** Sacred Heart!" Turk said as he ushered them through the hospital. "First, there's the patients:" Turk waved his hand as he showed him several rooms.

A doctor stood in the middle of the room, looking at his patient's crotch. "My flashlight stopped working." The man said.

"So you decided to put your penis in it?" The doctor asked incredulously.

"Moving on…" Turk said as he showed them to the next room where a man was lying on his stomach as two doctors examined his x-rays. He had a…odd condition.

"Either this kid's got a light-bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea." One said to the other, deadpan. Turk didn't seem that phased by it, though the Misfits were entranced. Turk rattled off the other patients in this wing as he walked them passed their rooms.

"Mr. Blass in 203 has Pick's disease, which is similar to presentation to multi-infarct dementia. I have no idea what any of that stuff means, but the result is that he likes to sing when he gets up in the morning, and the weird thing is the actually captures the mood of the room." Turk pointed out the next guy.

"THIS is Mr. Harvey Corman, the world's biggest hypochondriac…"

"I heard that! Actually, I didn't hear it as clearly as I might have. I've noticed my hearing decreasing as of late…Do you think I could have Familial dysautonomia?"

"No. Moving along…" Dr. Turk went over to the next room and pointed at the patient. "This guy is called the orange man because, well…he's orange."

"Is he a mutant?" Todd asked.

"Naaah. He just ate too many carrots, which turn your skin yellow, and tomatoes which turn your skin red. But put them together and he turned orange. Now this next patient is Tommy. He's only five years old but—well just listen. Howya doing Tommy?" Turk called into the room.

"I'm cool." Tommy said in a deep baritone that a full grown man might've been envious of. Turk nodded once and led the Misfits on.

"Next up is Mr. Hilliard who suffers from a very odd type of Narcolepsy. It basically goes off whenever he's sexually aroused."

"So whenever he feels horny he falls asleep?" Pietro winced. "Poor guy!"

"And he still probably has gotten more action than you ever will." Xi noted.

"This is Donkey-Boy." Turk pointed at another patient. A ten-year old boy with impressive buck-teeth sat in bed chomping down on a carrot like he was Bugs Bunny.

"I actually knew a **real** Donkey-Boy." Fred waved his hand. "Well actually it was more of a goat girl. She would eat anything and I DO mean anything! We found that out when she ate the town plaque right off the statue of our town founder. We were all mad at first, but then it turned out that there was a treasure map hidden behind where the plaque was…then we all excited about it, but it was all a bit letdown when it turns out that the treasure was really just a box of old rainy-day activities our town founder—he was a six year old—like to use on days when the weather was bad. And then—"

"Moving on!" Turk announced suddenly as he led them into the next room. "This is one of our repeating patients, Jill Tracy…"

An eager, hyperactive woman in bed was typing furiously on a laptop even as she talked into a hands-free phone. "I don't care if it wasn't 'good first-date conversation', Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies. I mean, over my dead body! What?...Actually, no...no, it wasn't, which is surprising because he's Jewish."

"This is AFTER she's been given Valium." Turk told the Misfits.

"Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking - How cool is that!" Jill squealed.

"So, she's actually sedated as we speak?" Althea blinked. "Wow. And I thought PIETRO was bad."

"Now I'm starting to see why us being mutants isn't that much of adjustment." Todd nodded.

"And that's just the **patients**." Turk reminded them. "Wait until you meet the **staff**."

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	3. Chapter 3

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As Dr. Turk was showing the Misfits some of Sacred Heart's patients the Misfit Handlers were becoming more acquainted than they wanted to with some of the staff.

"I just want to thank you again for seeing our kids." Roadblock thanked Dr. Kelso.

"Well here at Sacred Heart we treat everyone in need: White or black, straight or gay, human or mutant…even Mexican! We wouldn't turn anyone away! You, er, **did** remember to go in the back door where no one saw you right?"

"YES." Blind Master groaned.

"Oh Bobbo is just **such** a beautiful healer." Dr. Cox said sarcastically as he walked in. "If you've got money in your wallet, then you can just **bet** he'll be there to kiss your ass and steal it."

"Such a noble sentiment." Cover Girl commented.

"What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?" Dr. Kelso snorted as he jerked his thumbs at himself. "Bob Kelso! At your service!" Shipwreck blinked.

"Waitaminute! Bob Kelso? Hey I remember you! I broke your nose in that barroom brawl in Da Nang! Hector Delgado remember?" Kelso's response was to sock Shipwreck in the nose.

"I'll take that as a yes." Spirit said blithely as Shipwreck hit the floor. Shipwreck and Kelso were laughing as Kelso helped pull him up.

"Hector Delgado, my god! It's been years! The one with the gills was your daughter?" Kelso asked about Althea.

"One of them." Shipwreck groaned. "Her mother…isn't with us anymore."

"She dumped him to marry some rich noble jerk in Atlantis." Cover Girl said mildly.

"Ooh, I've always wanted to visit Atlanta." J.D. said.

"**Atlantis**." Althea corrected. "Not Atlanta. Don't ask." J.D. got a far-away look as he day-dreamed.

"Even a city of fish-people must need lawyers." J.D. he mused under his breath, to incredulous stares.

"Riiiight." Shipwreck blinked. "So Bobbo, what happened to you? You ever marry that pretty nurse?"

"Enid?" Kelso winced. "Yes I did…I'll say this for you; you're the luckiest bastard I know. Divorce is a wonderful institution."

"Are you kidding?" Shipwreck snorted. "I've got five kids plus one I adopted and none of them give me any respect! I have to raise them all by myself!"

"Excuse me?" Roadblock looked at him. "**We** do most of the work!"

"You want to talk about respect?" Kelso said. "Let's start with my fat, invalid wife...if it weren't for the anti-depressants I put in her fig newtons I would actually have to have sex with her and not my mistress! And then there's my gay son Harrison who was kicked out of his Hare Krishna sect for being 'too much of a hippy' and lived in the Portland subway system for a while before making an insulting Broadway musical about MY life which it turns out was only a front for a crystal-meth lab. When it got exposed Harrison fled the country to Toronto with the actor who played **me** so now the freakin' **Mounties** were involved! And you know who he turned to for bail!"

"So…" Shipwreck sighed. "Wanna get a drink?"

"Yes. Yes I do." Kelso said. "Want to go to an Asian massage parlor afterwards?"

"Do you have to ask?"

"Whoo-hoo!" Shipwreck cheered as he threw his arms around Kelso. "We're gonna get us some hooch!"

"Yes?" A black doctor asked as he suddenly poked his head out of the doorway.

"He didn't mean you Dr. Hooch." Kelso said. "He meant beer."

"…then couldn't he have just said beer? It **is** a much more common term…"

"Dr. Hooch! Dr. Turner needs you in the ICU!" A nurse called at him.

"Sounds like someone needs Turner and Hooch." Kelso laughed. Hooch glared at him.

"Everyone around here hates you, you know that?" Hooch snapped as he went to the ICU

"As Dorian says, Hooch is crazy." Kelso explained. "Now for the cheap booze and even cheaper women!"

"My man!" Shipwreck exclaimed.

&&&

Turk meanwhile was introducing the Misfits to some of the staff. "In here is Dr. Kevin Casey. He's a brilliant doctor, skilled in both medical **_and_** surgical with ain't easy…he's well liked, talented…"

"Bink. Bink. Bink bink bink bink…." Dr. Casey said as he walked around the room and touched everything in it, going 'Bink' as he did. The Misfits looked incredulously at Turk.

"He's also massively obsessive compulsive and likes to start each day by touching everything in the room and going 'bink.' " Turk shrugged. "We've all got our stuff."

"Jim. Jim. Jim." They heard a woman saying outside the room.

"Speaking of which," Turk sighed as he showed them out. Standing there was a tall blond doctor in a lab coat and a small, albino doctor. The blond had her hands on either side of the albino's face and saying his name over and over. "This is devilwoma—I mean, Dr. Molly Clark our staff psychologist. The albino is Jim Bianca, a radiologist."

"Oh hello!" Molly chirped to the Misfits and giving Jim the chance to escape. "You were saying?"

"We weren't talking." Althea told her.

"I'm sorry…did I do something to offend you?" Dr. Clark asked.

"No, I mean we've never spoken before…**ever**." Althea explained.

"Okay now you're scaring me Alice." Clark blinked.

"It's Althea." Althea winced.

"This woman's supposed to be in charge of the mental health of others?" Wanda asked the others. "I though Psyche-Out was loony!"

"You know I think I remember Lifeline mentioning that Psyche-Out got trained by a doctor who works here too." Fred remembered. "You don't think—"

"Yeah." Todd groaned. "I do."

"Anyway I've gotta go!" Dr. Clark said. "There's a combat veteran on the third floor suffering from severe shell-shock…poor soul think he's Ethel Merman!" Then she flounced away.

"We keep trying to tell her that the patient IS Ethel Merman." Turk sighed. "Ah well. Oh, here's Colonel Doctor."

"Who's…?" Fred started to ask before they saw a dark-skinned doctor with a white beard who looked an awful lot like a certain fried chicken mascot.

"How's it going?" Turk asked him. Colonel Doctor smiled and gave a familiar looking wave. "Hey, Dr. Beardface!" Turk called to another doctor with a prominent beard. "How're you?"

"For the last time it's pronounced 'beard-fah-say!'" Dr. Beardfacé snapped at Turk.

"This place is to medicine what the Pit is to the military." Xi blinked as a doctor came up to him and grabbed his cheeks.

"Oh yeah." The doctor said as he examined Xi. "Your skin's **all** messed up!"

"He's **supposed** to look like that Dr. Johnson." Turk sighed. "He's a mutant."

"Oh." Dr. Johnson blinked. "Well, if you ever want the services of a good dermatologist then—"

"—we'll be in trouble since that's a contradiction in terms." Turk snorted. "Get outta here!" Dr. Johnson beat a hasty retreat. "Who else is around here?" Turk sighed. "Oh great, here comes Dr. Mickhead. Just smile and don't accept anything he tries to give you—he's probably still trying to palm off evidence."

"Of what?" Angelica asked.

"Themurderofhisfirstwife, hey Mickhead how are you!" Turk smiled insincerely. Mickhead mercifully kept walking past. Turk breathed in relief. "That guy's been insufferable since he beat the rap for killing his wife…and oh great, here comes to most disturbing doctor in this place!"

"More disturbing than a guy who killed his own wife and got away with it?" Pietro asked.

"Oh yeah." Turk sighed. "Everyone this is Dr. Paul Zelter our staff oncologist."

"Uh yeah hi." A pasty, homely looking doctor said. "Look, Dr. Turk I just wanted to ask if you and your wife were open minded—" Turk looked disgusted.

"Sir you are hands-down the most **disturbing** man I have ever met!"

"Oh, uh, thanks." Zelter said.

"Get out of here!" Turk shooed him away. "Freaky pervert."

"That was fun." Althea groaned.

"You want to see fun?" Turk grinned. "Follow me. Next stop: radiology!"

Turk escorted the Misfits down to radiology and popped in. "Dr. Moyer!" He smiled. "Hey we've got some special visitors with us and I was wondering if you'd be willing to let them try out the machines—"

A short, bald, angry-looking doctor snarled at him. "I'm the head of the radiology department and you just come in here and take up my valuable time so they can play games with the equipment? I'm telling you it's **not** going to happen."

"Dr. Moyer—"

"These are **MY** **MACHINES**!" Moyer bellowed.

"Sir—" Althea started.

"**MY** **MACHINES**!"

"Whose machines?" Todd asked.

"**MY** **MACHINES**!"

"How is that helpful?" Althea asked.

"It's fun." Todd shrugged.

"It is isn't it?" Turk agreed. "It's why I brought you guys down here."

**"THEY'RE MINE, MINE! MY MACHINES MY MACHINES—!"** Moyer continued to rant and rave...much to the Misfits amusement.

"Anybody got popcorn?" Fred asked. Turk looked at the clock.

"Oh man I'm supposed to meet J.D. now!" Turk groaned as he hurried out the door. Shrugging the Misfits followed, leaving Moyer to keep up his ranting.

The Misfits followed Turk outside the front doors. They stopped and stared at a rather unlikely sight. Dr Dorian, apparently sitting atop of someone's shoulders and wearing a giant lab coat, was greeting visitors.

"I'm the world's most giant doctor!" J.D. pronounced in a fake deep-voice. "Be not afraid! I'm just like you! Except I'm giant!"

"Aw, man J.D.!" Turk complained. "You should've waited for me!"

"Well I'm sorry Turk but I have a strict schedule to keep to—ah!" J.D. yelped as the person under him tripped and fell, taking J.D. down too.

"Ow my mutton-like buns!" J.D. moaned.

"Frick!" The other one cursed as she tried to get loose.

"Guys, let me introduce my best friends here and your doctors for your visit." Turk sighed as they tried to extricate themselves from the giant coat. "This is John Dorian and Elliot Reed, the Chief Residents of Sacred Heart."

"Hi!" J.D. waved from the ground.

"Coolio!" Dr. Reed, the cheery-blond doctor from before chirped.

"Althea I'm scared." Todd whined. "These are our doctors?"

"I know honey, I know."

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	4. Chapter 4

Lance moaned as Lina pulled off her gloves, her examination of him finished. "I've been **violated**!"

"Relax Lance it's nothing I haven't seen before." Lina told him. "I do help out Doc and Lifeline you know."

J.D. and Dr. Cox reentered the room. "Nice work there Tinkerbell." Cox said as he picked up Lance's chart. "Most interns are useless for the first six months here…" He looked at J.D. "In some cases they NEVER become useful. Take Lillian here."

"Why do you keep calling him girl names?" Lina asked.

"I'm glad you asked that Lina." J.D. smiled. "You see the thing about Dr. Cox is that, the closer he feels to a person, the more he needs to push them away. So when he calls me Lillian or Bess or Carol, he's actually saying, 'JD, I care about you!' Vulnerable people like Dr. Cox..."

"Oh my god." Lina blinked. "I get it now..."

"Newbie!" Cox whistled at J.D. "I think it just says wonders that we're standing in a room with a girl with **butterfly** wings who looks like Tinkerbell's Indian cousin who was just flown in from Bollywood thanks to the miracles of outsourcing and that she is **NOT** the girliest one in the room. Now, why don't you go show take her with you on your rounds and see if she can prevent you from killing anyone today."

"Uh right." J.D. mumbled as he led Lina out. Turk was waiting outside. "Hey Lina, this is Dr. Turk, he's a surgeon."

"Pleased to meet you." Turk said as he shook Lina's hand.

"Thank you." Lina felt a bit shy as they led her towards their patients. "But don't you think the patients may not want to be treated by a…mutant intern?" Lina asked J.D. and Turk anxiously.

"Been there." Turk snorted as he crossed his arms. It wasn't uncommon for someone to not want to be their doctor because he was black. "Anyway don't sweat about it. Most of these patients are in **comas**."

"But what about him?" Lina pointed to the balding man with glasses in the bed they were standing next to.

"Oh no problem." J.D. assured her. "Mr. Bober I'd like to introduce you to our newest intern. This is Lina. What're you having for lunch?"

"Pickles!" Mr. Bober said.

"That's nice. And what do you think about Lina being a mutant?"

"Pickles!" Lina looked at J.D.

"He suffers from full dementia. Trust me he won't be complaining about who treats him." J.D. assured her.

"Now I know it's your first day and you might be nervous about putting a needle into human skin—Lord knows I did, but if you need any—"

"Finished!" Lina announced.

"Say wha?" J.D. blinked.

"I'm going to go find Althea." Lina said as she made a few notes on the chart.

"We'll help." Turk volunteered. "Come on J.D."

"But—she, but I—" J.D. stammered as Turk led him away.

&&&

The Misfits had split up to explore around. Althea and Todd were exploring each other's tonsils in front of the nurse's station. It was after about five minutes or so that Althea noticed the heavy-set black nurse Laverne watching her and Todd make out. "What is it?"

"I made out with a man before I got married." Laverne smiled for a second. "His name was **Jesus**."

"He was Puerto Rican?" Todd blinked stupidly.

"For the last time!" Carla snarled as she over heard the last part and misunderstood. "I'm Dominican! Not Puerto Rican! **Dominican**!"

Althea slapped Todd twice upside the head. "What was that for?" Todd whined.

"If you have to ask—" Althea raised her hand again. "Oh, hey Lina!" She said as she noticed Lina coming with Turk and J.D. "How're you doing? How's Lance?"

"Fine. We're both fine." Lina smiled. "I actually donated some of my silk to make some extra bandages."

"That's a cool power for someone who wants to be a doctor to have." J.D. noted.

"Yeah…no offense but I don't really see how having gills is a such a super-power." Turk said to Althea.

"Well, let's say that you can't swim—" Althea started.

"Oh, so now a brother can't swim!" Turk snapped.

"Why did you have to go **there**?" J.D. asked her.

Althea rolled her eyes. "Unbelievable."

"You know what power I wish I had—" J.D. started.

"Not floating head doctor." Turk groaned.

"Too late, I'm there." J.D. sighed as he tilted his head up and to the left as he day-dreamed about being able to separate his head from his body and have the former float around the hospital so he could be in two places at once.

"I'm gonna go see Fred and check out the cafeteria." Todd said as he slowly backed away.

&&&

Lance meanwhile was still in his room with Dr. Cox.

**"Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy!"** Lance implored. Cox looked less than convinced.

**"Am I still singing?"** To his disgust, Lance heard him singing it.

**"Singing like a bird."** Lance groaned. As if to add annoying to injury, J.D. showed up all in a twitter.

**"Dr. Cox, huge news!"** J.D. sang. **"I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours! Bumper buddies!" **He added gleefully

Cox refused to even look at J.D. at first. Instead he said to Lance. **"Still, you're not ne-he-hearly as bad as her!"** Then he turned to J.D. and—to Lance's mind—sang. **"Do you know how much you annoy me?"** J.D. shrugged and made a small gesture between two fingers. Dr. Cox corrected him.

**"The answer is a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don't see why not." **He took a deep breath.

**"It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, You always need a hug **

**Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug **

**That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex **

**And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have _nerdy_ _sex_!" **

J.D interjected. "Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town, we got some appletinis and poured 'em on her good parts!"

Cox groaned.

**"See now, Newbie, that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree **

**'Cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be! **

**So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son **

**It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one **

**No, I'm not the only one—"** He pointed to the Janitor.

The Janitor sang in a surprisingly deep baritone.

**"It all started with a penny in the door **

**There was a hatred I had never felt before **

**So now I'll make him pay, each and every day **

**Until that moussed-haired little nuisance...is...no...more!" **

Dr. Cox took up the mantle again.

**"So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane, and Sue **

**Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian, Suzanne and Betty-Lou **

**See, regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear **

**You're a pain in every day of every month of every year!" **

Lance couldn't **take** it anymore!

**"Dr. Cox, you gotta help me, 'cause I really am distressed! **

**Can't you find another option, won't you run another test? **He begged.

**"If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor **

**Please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest!"** Cox pointed at J.D.

"I think what my bumper-buddy is trying to say..." J.D. started.

**"Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Beth, or I swear to God I'll shut it soon!"** Lance roared at him. Cox just smiled.

**"Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon." **

&&&


	5. Chapter 5

&&&

Todd joined Fred in the hospital cafeteria. "So what's for lunch?"

"That's what I'm looking to find out." Fred looked around and stopped as he saw a familiar face. "Cousin Troy!" Fred smiled as he hugged the burly, bearded cafeteria worker. "It's great to see you! Ooh, can I have some sloppy joes?"

Lina and Wanda meanwhile were having lunch with Cover Girl. "So how do you like being an intern?" Cover Girl asked Lina.

"It's tiring but thrilling at the same time." Lina said. "I'm learning so much from everyone here."

"Even Dr. Cox?" Wanda asked skeptically. Lina nodded.

"Especially him!"

"Cox is a creep." Wanda snorted.

"I actually like Cox." Lina admitted.

"Ladies." They looked up to see a green-scrubbed surgeon with the arms of his scrubs torn off, a DOC tattoo on his arm, and a bandanna on his head. "The Todd just wants to say…awesome conversation!"

"Hey, sleazeball!" Cover Girl snapped. "These girls are underage and they're under **my** care. I'm their chaperone you idiot. Did you really think I'd let you do that when I'm sitting right here?"

"You're totally right, the Todd apologizes." Todd said to Cover Girl. "Do you want to go to the on call room and have hot monkey sex with me?" Cover Girl was too astonished to formulate a response. "All right…thinking about it five!" Todd held up his hand and slapped at the air before snapping and walking away.

&&&&

Althea meanwhile was talking to the rest of the hospital staff when the phone rang. Laverne answered it.

"Hello? Yes, just a sec." She handed it to Althea. "It's for you honey."

"Thanks." Althea picked up the phone. "Yes? WHAT? You're in jail? **AGAIN**? Oh and of course Kelso is there too! No, I don't believe that it wasn't your fault! Why? Because it always **IS** your fault! Yeah…fine, I'll send Low Light to come bring bail money."

"Argh!" Althea screamed as slammed the phone down. "I swear…sometimes I can't help but wonder which one of us is the mutant!"

"Ah so your old man drinks." Cox shrugged. "It's not THAT unusual."

"So says Dr. Jack Daniels." Turk snickered.

"Shipwreck is a barely functional human being." Althea told them. "I can't take him anywhere!"

"Oh no my dad's embarrassing me!" Dr. Cox taunted her. "I betcha you're the first person **EVER** to have to deal with **that**. Wah wah **wa**!" Cox mock cried.

"Look I don't think you know how completely screwed up my family's been since my mom dumped my dad for some Atlantean noble and my dad became an even bigger drunk! We're talking severe emotional damage here!" Althea pointed out.

"Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if today is the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job." Cox told her.

Turk snorted in agreement. "You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari—formerly Bob—gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss...and we hug...and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!"

"Barbie's from an uptight, repressed WASPy family from Connecticut. They have separate bedrooms, they don't even know one another's phone numbers, and they tried sending her gay brother to 'heterocamp'. Her mother's a slut, her brother is gay, and her dad CUT her off entirely when she didn't become Obstetrician or a Gynecologist." Cox relayed.

"My dad was an office supplies salesman." J.D. informed her. "A **bad** one. Then he left and mom started every man who rang the doorbell. He died last year of a massive heart attack. And my older brother? **Never** there for me. At all. Now he works as a thirty-seven year old bartender who still lives in the attic in our mom's house."

"Carla's dad ran out on her and she had to take care of her mother for years…she died last year." Turk added. "Oh and Dr. Kelso? His dad ran on of him on Bob's own bicycle when he was twelve. The Todd there…he made out once with his **mom**." Turk pointed out. The Janitor, who was—for a wonder—actually mopping, stopped by to through in his two cents.

"I had a brother once. Well, I shouldn't say once, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about twelve. He was about forty six, actually older than my parents. His name was Cleat. He was a good kid, did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever needed to be done. Everything was good until he hit his fifties then wow, did he have a mid-life crises. Him and my dad fought constantly and I mean really physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it though. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line." The Janitor shrugged and then went about mopping.

"Sweaty Teddy's wife left him for his brother and now he shares a bed with his mom." Cox informed Althea as he jerked his thumb at Ted Buckland, the hospital attorney.

"She has cold toes." Ted said in a dead-tone of voice.

"Don't be that guy Ted!" Cox warned him.

"**What** guy?" Ted whined. "**Whaaat**?"

"An-he-way, I'd be happy to get together with my sister to reminisce on how great we had it while our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room but she's such a Born Again Christian that is makes my skin crawl whenever we're in the same room. Whatta you think there, Mermaid?" Cox asked Althea. "Still wanna compare notes on how bad your family life is when you're a mutant?"

"Uh, no thanks." Althea gulped. "I'm good."

&&&

After chiming in on the family debate, the Janitor finished up in the hallway. "Hmm…should I add a fifth coat of wax to the floor? Nah, four's good." Then he thought about it. "Oh what the hell…"

"Gangway!" Pietro shouted as he ran through the hallway, attempting to avoid a bedpan hurled at his head by his angry sister. "It's not MY fault that everyone thinks you're a trannie! It's not like I told everyone that! Just every other—WHOA!" Pietro yelped as he went skidding on the waxed floor. His arms flailing, he desperately tried to slow or stop his uncontrollable slide. "AAAaaaaah!" He screamed as he crashed into the wall. "Oww…" He fell backwards onto the floor.

"Floor's waxed." The Janitor informed him.

"Hey!" Pietro snarled as he climbed to his feet. "What do you think you're doing you demented jumpsuit wearing mopjock?"

"Kid…don't bother me. You won't like what happens to people who bother me." Janitor said.

"Oh yeah? What?" Pietro put a hand on the Janitor's shoulder and shoved. The Janitor gave a slow, evil grin.

"That was a big mistake." He snapped his fingers. "Boys?" All of a sudden, the entire janitorial staff appeared out of no where, armed with duct tape, and seized Pietro. "Take him away. You know where."

&&&

"So this is the morgue." Toad and Fred looked around as Dr. Doug Murphy showed them the facility. "Dead Girl would love it here."

"Here at Sacred Heart we try to treat the deceased with the dignity they deserve." Doug said grandly.

"Hey where'd you get that watch?" Fred blinked.

"Dead guy."

"Why is that cadaver standing up and holding a can of soda in his hands?" Toad asked. Doug cleared his throat.

"Any other questions?"

"Yeah, what's that rhythmic pounding?" Toad asked as he looked around.

Doug kept muttering under his breath. "It's okay Doug the dead are not out to get you. The dead are not out to get you. The dead are not out to—AHHH!" He screamed as one of the lockers shook as he got near it. He passed out.

Fred opened the locker and found Pietro crammed in it, bound and gagged with duct tape. Todd ripped it off.

"YEEOOOWW!"

"What happened to you?"

"Long story short: Don't piss off the Janitor." Pietro groaned. "Now let me out of here! I have to—OW!" Pietro yelled as Dr. Murphy (who had since recovered) came over and walloped him with a clipboard. "What are you doing, you **_idiot_**?"

"I thought you were a dead guy come back to life." Doug sniffed. Pietro looked at him.

"So WHY WERE YOU **_HITTING ME_**?"

"'Cause dead people should be **dead**." Doug mewled.

&&&


End file.
